I turned 29 yesterday, supposedly.

But I don’t feel 29. What does 29 feel like anyway, though?

I think in some ways, things are worlds different than last year when I turned 28. (Though some of my sentiments do echo, it seems.)

Overall, I’m in a much better place anxiety-wise. I cry MUCH less often, I can drive on my own now without having panic attacks – though driving longer distances is still a work in progress – and I feel a lot more content day to day. I think part of it really is accepting that anxiety will always be there, but you have to try and do all the things anyway. The easy and the hard-because-of anxiety-things. Accept that it’s okay for progress to take time sometimes, like with said driving challenges.

It feels funny after so many years, but I think I can finally, honestly say I feel happy day to day, like that’s my resting level. It’s not like it was before postpartum depression, but it’s happy all the same.

In other ways, I still feel totally lost. I do still have days and moments where I feel like a failure, like I’m not good enough, like i don’t amount to what my friends and family do, because my path in life hasn’t looked like what I expected.

I assumed I’d get a car and drive by 16, go off to college at 18, not get married until I was in my thirties, and well, none of that has happened, at least not in that order.

It’s hard to look around at your friends with solid jobs and college degrees and not feel like you’re flailing, even though things are okay right now. I think it’s compounded by the fact that like last year, it still feels like time has passed so suddenly, like I should still be 22, like 7 years couldn’t have possible passed.

Still finding the way. Still seeking answers. Not a bad place to be, at all, really.

And even though things didn’t go as I expected, there are a lot, a lot of beautiful things in my life. My husband, my son, finding my way back to drawing, designing things I love, reading again.

I think people expect life to be perfect and happy all the time, and when it’s not, they feel like they’re struggling. But hard things are just a part of life on earth, hard things like postpartum depression, or loss, or what ifs. You’re not failing if living “normally” doesn’t always come easily to you.

Anyway, my son is 3 and gets excited about birthdays right now and has learned to always expect cake. So what better excuse than to have my favorite – cookie cake. Off to grab a slice in a bit.