Mama Has Anxiety
My son is almost 3 years old. He understands that when you get a booboo, a kiss on a bumped noggin’ or scraped knee can make it “All better!”
Before I was married or had my son, I wondered how I would explain my anxiety to any children I had. At that time, I had panic attacks, but they didn’t happen often, at least not major ones, and though my anxiety effected some situations it wasn’t overwhelming (or at least didn’t seem as overwhelming). After I had my son that anxiety turned into postpartum anxiety, which, I’ve mentioned before, is a totally different beast. Before he was a year old, my son had seen plenty of breakdowns and panic attacks. While things are much, much better now that I’ve gotten help, panic attacks still happen occasionally.
One day, a few months ago, he saw me in the middle of a bad panic attack and asked “Mama sad?” and if I needed a kiss to make it better. Of course his sweetness helped, but he was confused when I didn’t immediately stop crying. I wonder how we teach him about non-physical pain. He’s at an age where he’s learning to really identify different emotions, like sad, happy, angry, and I think that’s the first step.
My anxiety, while manageable, is never magically going away, so he’s sure to see its effects now and again. Instead of trying to hide it from him, I’d rather be honest and humble, within reason. My goal is to explain it to him in a way that comforts him instead of scares him. Here are the main things I would like him to know:
First and foremost, he is loved immensely.
My anxiety and any hard days/panic attacks are not his fault.
Since he’s learning about emotions, like how to identify them and how to healthily express them I can maybe use these moments as a teaching experience. He can see me using things like breathing techniques or taking a moment alone to calm down and we can teach him that he can do those things when he’s sad, scared, angry, etc. too.
It’s also best to explain what’s happening in words that he’ll understand. He’s still a toddler, so right now we say things like, “Mama is just really sad right now, but she’s okay. Sometimes people feel sad and that’s okay.”
It’s like Daniel Tiger says, “It’s okay to feel sad sometimes, little by little, you’ll feel better again.”
Also, when I’m feeling anxious but it’s not at panic attack-level, I do my best to deal with it quietly and not let on to him that I’m feeling anxious. It’s important to me to try my best not to pass this anxiety on to him. I want him to have a healthy cautiousness when presented with new situations, but not irrational fear. In fact, this sometimes helps me deal with my anxiety in a social situation – putting on a happy disposition and air of confidence and calmness for him actually helps me push through to fear and be able to be present where I am.
I know I’m not the only mama out there that deals with this. Know you’re not alone. And that it’s okay to seek help if you haven’t yet! It’s not impossible, and things can get better.
