Daylight Savings Time has ended and now the day is dark by 6:00 pm around here. I’m trying to prepare for seasonal affective disorder head on by doing a few intentional things to focus on the light, the joy during these darker months, made darker this year by the pandemic. Our holidays won’t be normal this year since we are choosing to refrain from big group gatherings, so missing family will be a hard blow and the warmth that comes with visiting cherished grandparents and seeing cousins we typically only see once or twice a year won’t be here as a balm for the cold, dark winter months. We won’t get to have a big Christmas party with our friends and all our kids, celebrating and laughing and just being silly together.

I’ve learned over the last few years that being proactive and intentional when it comes to combating/dealing with/living with anxiety is the best way to counter the power and possession it seems to have. The first thing I’ve done is based on something my counselor had me do a few years ago when I was in the depths of postpartum anxiety and depression. I had given up on attempting the little tasks around my home as well as most hobbies, because seeing them through to the finish seemed impossible – the baby would always start to cry or fuss or need something or make a mess. Attempting anything felt pointless and the attempt would only end in failure and then the pushing of me farther into hopelessness and darkness. She also pointed out to me that I was becoming agoraphobic since even leaving my house on my own felt overwhelming and scary.

So she had me make a list of things – things I liked to do, small things that brought me joy. They didn’t need to be grand and they could seem superficial or unimportant. That was the point, I wasn’t finding joy where I used to anymore. I wasn’t allowing myself to. The second part of my homework was to do one thing from the list each day, and not just do it, but allow myself to fully, freely enjoy it in that moment.

I was so desperate to not be where I was mentally at that point that I was willing to try this task, something I normally would have thought silly and superfluous. Therapy at this point was like a last ditch effort to try and come back to the surface without feeling like I was bobbing on my tiptoes, chin tilted up to stay above the water, while everyone else around me floated or swam so easily without struggling for breath. So I made the list and did the things, and found my way back to things I once enjoyed, and not only that, but found joy there again. I held warm mugs of tea in my hands and felt their warmth against my palms as I held my nose over them to breathe in the herbal scent. I used my colored pencil set for more than just divider lines in my planner and found my way back to drawing and painting, something I’d loved since childhood.

So a week or so ago, I started a “cozy list.” All things that I can find joy in this fall and winter season, whether they are seasonally specific or not. Some are very small and some are more involved, but I want to make it a habit to look at this list often, especially when I feel myself sinking into the depths of early dark nights and cold weather, the unnerving dissociative feeling of floating outside the things happening around me that creeps in sometimes, the weeks and months away from dearly loved family and friends. When the sadness tries to distract me, I want to look at the list and pick something from it, and allow myself to fully, freely, enjoy that thing.

Here’s what’s on my list so far, in no particular order:

– drink a mug of hot tea, apple cider, or hot chocolate
– watch a silly holiday movie
– watch a Christmas/holiday movie from childhood
– put up Christmas lights inside
– make the house feel cozy by making and putting up wintery decorations
– light a candle in a seasonal scent, or one that I find calming/makes me happy
– read a cozy book
– play Christmas music
– go to the local chocolate shop with my husband for their amazing hot chocolate (to-go)
– get outside when we can – play in the yard, go to the local nature trail
– meditate on God’s goodness, truth for 15 minutes – maybe pick a verse or hymn to focus on
– make a little thankful/gratitude list every night
– in the morning, open the blinds and sit near the window to soak in the bright morning light
– drink lots of water and stay hydrated
– dress up or dress in clothing that makes me happy or feels festive, even though we’re most likely not going anywhere

I hope to share more about these things and what I’m doing to combat the S.A.D. this fall/winter in an old almost-series I’m reviving here on the blog called “keeping warm.” I hope to make it what it should have been this time around – a journal of sorts to be real about this season of days that feel long and cold and get dark so early, but to mainly celebrate the little joys that help keep me warm. I invite you to join me here.

What would you put on your “cozy list?”